My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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