The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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