I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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