thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
