3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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