I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
