i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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