i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
