you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
