i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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