Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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