my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You pole danced in your parka.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
