I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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