I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
