Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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