my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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