Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
