i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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