Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
