A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
