Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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