Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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