i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
