If that was your dad, he is hot
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
