I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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