now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
