Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
