I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
