I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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