I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
