my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
