how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
