i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
