I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
