Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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