I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just threw up on my dentist
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
