don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
