im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
