I murdered the dance floor call the cops
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
