went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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