I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
