Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
