just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
