That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
