Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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