If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So squirting runs in the family.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
