I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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