sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
