I wish my penis had an off switch
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
