I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
