watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
this is an emotional support booty call
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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